More importantly though, I've felt like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders recently and I literally and figuratively benefits of having it removed. My body is literally feeling better and more alive, and it seems like every other part of me is too.
Here's what I've realized- when you make decisions that directly impact your happiness, everything changes. For a long time now, maybe longer than I'd care to admit, I've been trying to force things in my life. I am stubborn to the point of obnoxious sometimes and because of that I have a tendency of refusing to let things go long after they've expired. Luckily, this mostly applies to intangible items and not, you know, food or else I'd have an awful lot of nights hugging the toilet. But that'd be a different story. I hate to admit defeat so I won't until something is dead and even then I will dig my heels in and not go willingly. This, however, causes me great stress and anxiety that spreads to affect every part of my life. My sleep suffers, my social life suffers, my body suffers and those around me have to suffer listening to me complain about my sleep, my social life and my body.
But then I had a great epiphany: What is wrong with me? If I recognize something is making me miserable, why do I stick around or keep it in my life? Letting go has never, and probably will never, be my forte but it's something I could certainly work on. Specifically this has happened with my job and the people in my life. Job-wise, I tried something new, something I thought I wanted and it turned out that it was not what I expected. I realized that the dream and the reality did not match up and I had taken a wrong turn. I felt that was almost instantly, that moment of, "OMG I may have just made a huge mistake." And yet I ignored my gut reaction (never wise for me) and persevered. It didn't get better and it only made me miserable. Part of me felt like a failure for not wanting anymore what I had wanted for so long, but I realized that it doesn't make me a failure to have tried something and not liked it. It didn't make me happy, so ok, move on. I didn't fail at it but there's no sense in pushing when all I want to do is run in the opposite direction. So I made a simple decision. I stopped. And since making that decision everything changed. Some back to how it was before, like I wanted it to. But I could also breathe deeper, sleep better and actually not want to crawl in a whole at the end of the day. I feel like my whole attitude has shifted back to something more positive which is just uplifting.
The job decision was easier to make than the people decision. It's always just so hard to realize and accept some people are just not good for you. Something doesn't quite click and they, for whatever reason, bring more negative than positive to your life. Again, it's ok to recognize this and be ok with it. Everyone doesn't always have to get along with everyone and not everyone you meet in your life has to become a permanent fixture til the end of time. Now of course, I can write the words real easy but the actual follow through is something I seriously suck at. Letting people go out of my life is something I've never excelled at and I still don't. It's an issue I'm still working through and will probably continue to struggle with. But I think recognizing and realizing are good first steps.
So I am once again returning to my quest for happiness. Whether it means making life altering decisions are deciding to go ahead and eat that ice cream cone, if it makes me happy, I'll give it serious consideration.
