Feeling a little lighter.

This blog started with the best of intentions....to be written in far more often than I have. So my new thing is to actually make good on that. I've recently really missed writing and having been feeling the hole it's left since it's been quite some time since I've done any writing. And I figure, well I should probably put that oh so expensive college degree to use somehow, right? :o)

More importantly though, I've felt like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders recently and I literally and figuratively benefits of having it removed. My body is literally feeling better and more alive, and it seems like every other part of me is too.

Here's what I've realized- when you make decisions that directly impact your happiness, everything changes. For a long time now, maybe longer than I'd care to admit, I've been trying to force things in my life. I am stubborn to the point of obnoxious sometimes and because of that I have a tendency of refusing to let things go long after they've expired. Luckily, this mostly applies to intangible items and not, you know, food or else I'd have an awful lot of nights hugging the toilet. But that'd be a different story. I hate to admit defeat so I won't until something is dead and even then I will dig my heels in and not go willingly. This, however, causes me great stress and anxiety that spreads to affect every part of my life. My sleep suffers, my social life suffers, my body suffers and those around me have to suffer listening to me complain about my sleep, my social life and my body.

But then I had a great epiphany: What is wrong with me? If I recognize something is making me miserable, why do I stick around or keep it in my life? Letting go has never, and probably will never, be my forte but it's something I could certainly work on. Specifically this has happened with my job and the people in my life. Job-wise, I tried something new, something I thought I wanted and it turned out that it was not what I expected. I realized that the dream and the reality did not match up and I had taken a wrong turn. I felt that was almost instantly, that moment of, "OMG I may have just made a huge mistake." And yet I ignored my gut reaction (never wise for me) and persevered. It didn't get better and it only made me miserable. Part of me felt like a failure for not wanting anymore what I had wanted for so long, but I realized that it doesn't make me a failure to have tried something and not liked it. It didn't make me happy, so ok, move on. I didn't fail at it but there's no sense in pushing when all I want to do is run in the opposite direction. So I made a simple decision. I stopped. And since making that decision everything changed. Some back to how it was before, like I wanted it to. But I could also breathe deeper, sleep better and actually not want to crawl in a whole at the end of the day. I feel like my whole attitude has shifted back to something more positive which is just uplifting.

The job decision was easier to make than the people decision. It's always just so hard to realize and accept some people are just not good for you. Something doesn't quite click and they, for whatever reason, bring more negative than positive to your life. Again, it's ok to recognize this and be ok with it. Everyone doesn't always have to get along with everyone and not everyone you meet in your life has to become a permanent fixture til the end of time. Now of course, I can write the words real easy but the actual follow through is something I seriously suck at. Letting people go out of my life is something I've never excelled at and I still don't. It's an issue I'm still working through and will probably continue to struggle with. But I think recognizing and realizing are good first steps.

So I am once again returning to my quest for happiness. Whether it means making life altering decisions are deciding to go ahead and eat that ice cream cone, if it makes me happy, I'll give it serious consideration.

Whisper words of wisdom

The Beatles got it. Me... not so much. This is a concept that is hard for me to wrap my brain around. As someone who would probably be classified as more type A, letting things be does not come natural to me. I'm uptight a lot of this time. I am aware of this. I am also controlling. These qualities do not really lend themselves to allowing me to let things just sit. I don't know how to sit still very well and my brain doesn't either.

Part of it is that I like resolution. I don't really like things in my life to be hanging in limbo, whether it's a relationship status, a new turn my life is taking or even partially made plans for the night. I like answers. And solutions. I realize, though, that this sometimes makes me crazy. When there is no answer or no apparent solution I can''t force one. So I come up against the need for one and the lack there of.

I am trying really hard lately to allow myself to let things live in limbo. I'm starting to see, or maybe a better way to say is I'm starting to accept, that if I let go of some of the control and let things happen things will start to fall into place the way they are supposed to. I also also started to understand that even though I may feel like I hold all the control, some things are really out of my hands. No matter how deeply I dig in my heels or hold my breath or fight, I can't make the outcome any different than what it's supposed to be.

I am trying to learn to say "it's ok" when things don't work out the way I want them too. And that sometimes things need to be unresolved for a while until the resolution presents itself.

It's scary.When I feel like I've lost control, I feel like I'm spinning. I grasp out trying to grab ahold of anything I can get back in my control. What I'm working on now is to let things spin around me. Sit with the uncomfortable feelings and now that eventually they will pass. Anxiousness or frustration or whatever that unpleasant feeling is won't last forever. If I can get myself through it I will not only maybe be a calmer, happier person but also a stronger, more grounded person. Hopefully.

Truth

All the bad ends eventually. Even if you can't see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, it's there waiting for you. Sometimes the tunnel is just really really long.

I've been having a bit of a rough day. Stresses getting to me and weighing me down. I didn't want to be in my own company and tried hard to find the company of others. Well as it would turn out all of my friends are busy and I am left to my own devices. Seems like what I really needed to do tonight is sit with myself and turn my own feelings around, not rely on others to do it for me.

Hope everyone is having a good night, whether it's out enjoying the night or at home enjoying your couch.

You vs. me

Something I continuously struggle with and one of my biggest issues is the struggle between making myself happy and making others happy.

I am a people pleaser. I do not like when people are upset or mad me. I don't particularly like confrontation. I like peace and calm and I try to keep the peace by making sure everyone around me is happy.

At the same time, I always try to make me happy too. I am unpleasant and no fun to be around when I am not happy. And of course it doesn't feel good to not be happy.

I realize these two ideas contradict each other in various ways. But I think it's a struggle we all face, sometimes even on a daily basis. For me, I like to be there for people. I like helping people. And sometimes I think I put people's happiness before my own and then feed off of their happiness instead of finding my own and rising on that. It's really hard for me to make the decision to say, I have to think about me now. I know this will affect people and it might be in a negative manner, but for my own sake I have to make these decisions.

Currently, this decision has to do with my work. I recently got something of a a job promotion and I will be adding personal training to fitness resume on top of teaching group ex classes. It's a really good thing but it also means major changes in my life and in my schedule. As I train more, I will have to cut back on classes. This I'm ok with. I'm currently teaching too much and it's starting to take it's toll. I'm welcoming of this transition but my issue is that it will affect my current students. I love all of my different groups and leaving them is sort of like breaking up in a way. I'm really struggling with which classes to give up because I'm torn between what I need to do for me and what I want to do for others. As much as I love having a lot of control over my schedule, it's sometimes incredibly challenging.

I know it's the time to make decisions for me. This is about my future and I have to put me first. Here's to the strength to know when to make me a priority.

What's your road to happiness?

I just heard that question on a commercial. Normally, I hate commercials. I think they are dumb and not entertaining. Instead of interesting me, they make me want to throw things at the tv. But I digress.....this commercial asked, "What is your road to happiness?"

Ironic, as I've been asking myself this question a lot recently.

It has been brought my attention that sometimes I look for happiness in the wrong places. I reach out and grab on for dear life to things I wish beyond wishing will bring me happiness, but in the end they bring more heartache to pile on. I'm left confused and unhappy wondering 1. how on earth this happened again? and 2. what is wrong with me?

Part of the problem is simple. I am looking outside myself for happiness. Instead of taking a real, serious look at me and figuring me out, I'm looking outside and trying to get other people or other things to fill in the happiness holes. I am, unfortunately, one of the people who is blessed with choosing really lousy men to date. That's a big one. I also refuse to accept when something is not right and I hold on too long. There's really no coming back from that. But it's not just men. Sometimes, it's as simple as not being able to say no. Whether it's no to working overtime, no to plans when I don't feel up for it or no choosing to wallow instead of doing something about it. Sometimes saying no can make you happy. You're allowing yourself to make the choice that will make you happiest. But whether it's obligation or frustration or whatever the case may be, sometimes we say yes instead and then, sometimes, wonder why we don't feel quite so happy anymore.

For example, Monday night I got home from class and settled in with my cat, Margarita, to watch some tivo'd shows and eat dinner. I realized while watching the new (and amazing) show Smashed, that nothing would make me happier in that moment than relaxing on my couch with Margarita curled up in my lap watching my newest favorite show. In that moment I was more content than I've felt in longer than I can remember. And I will hold on to that as a starting point for where to go from here.

After starting this new year off in a less than stellar fashion and spending the past month and half trying to figure out just what is going on with my life and why it's gotten so complicated, I figured something out. I need to do some serious investigations. Clearly priorities have gotten out of whack. I haven't spent nearly enough time dealing with myself. And i certainly have not asked myself nearly enough what will make me happy; happy in that moment, happy for the day, happy for my life.

So this is the experiment. Put me first. Get my priorities in order and spend serious time finding out what parts I need to make my whole happiness.